tjs_whatnot | Happy International Ace Day! (Reply)

And it is super on-brand that I am just now discovering this is a thing that exists in the world--not the Ace part, I’ve come to understand that a bit more through the years, especially how it relates to me--but there being a day to celebrate/discuss/learn more about it? That is very much a Me Thing. Finding things years after they would have been super important and relevant.

Still, I’m going to take a fair amount of time today reading up and discovering different aspects of myself. Yay for holidays that happen on the weekend. ;)

What I know (or think I know so far).

**I am asexual.

That should be enough, but it really isn’t. I am affected by my asexuality in that sure there are things I’d like, but not enough to sacrifice the things that I don’t like. And truthfully, very little of that has anything to do with sex and mostly to do with independence and putting myself out there.

Do I like affection? Sure. I could be a cuddle buddy--I think, I’ve never really been--but not enough to seek it out, to look for it if it disrupts or changes my life in really any way.

Do I like sex? For others? Yes, please. I think everyone should be doing what makes them feel good, with whoever it feels good with (who also gives consent for said enjoyment). I think people should be free to talk about it, and read about it, and I enjoy very much reading about it and occasionally writing it myself and I can talk filth as well as the next person.

For myself? Not even a little bit. Or I should say, I don’t enjoy penetrative sex even a little bit. I have slowly been coming around to the idea that I might in fact quite enjoy the non-penetrative sort, but again, not enough to seek it out, to put myself out there and be all vulnerable and shit. *shudders*.

**I guess that makes me grayace?

I’m still learning. I guess with enough reading and comparing and contrasting I could pinpoint myself to a very specific and easily--or easier--understood T, but I’m not there yet. I know what I am--or mostly I do--but I still am learning the terminology of it.

**Or Maybe that Makes Me Bi-Gray-Ace

I'm aesthetically attracted to both male and female identifying people and enjoy different parts of the human form to look at and imagine in situations and in shenanigans--but again, not enough to seek it out for myself. Just, like... in general...

**I am not broken.

This one took a long time for me to come around to. Being weird is something I always knew--and took great pride in--about myself. But, it took a lot of time to separate other things that are true about me from my queerness. It is 100% true that being asexual is not due to mental illness and sexual abuse. I don’t think I’m ace because I was sexually abused as a child, and yet, I had a hard time coming to terms that it was *okay* to not like sex. That the drive wasn’t taken away from me, it just is not there.

I’ll really never know how much one has to do with the other. But I no longer think it’s something that can be “cured” with enough therapy or the right partner. I honestly don’t think being ace is weird at all, but I understand that others do. And hey, before I started being comfortable about this aspect of myself, I wouldn’t even have the courage to admit that I am a survivor of childhood sexual assault, so while it’s true that sexual abuse doesn’t cause asexuality, maybe coming to terms with being asexual is helping me come to terms with this thing that defined my childhood and that I NEVER would even admit, let alone freely discuss. Maybe…

Whoa, that got deep. Sorry about that.