Happy International Ace Day!

[tjs_whatnot]

And it is super on-brand that I am just now discovering this is a thing that exists in the world--not the Ace part, I’ve come to understand that a bit more through the years, especially how it relates to me--but there being a day to celebrate/discuss/learn more about it? That is very much a Me Thing. Finding things years after they would have been super important and relevant.

Still, I’m going to take a fair amount of time today reading up and discovering different aspects of myself. Yay for holidays that happen on the weekend. ;)

What I know (or think I know so far).

**I am asexual.

That should be enough, but it really isn’t. I am affected by my asexuality in that sure there are things I’d like, but not enough to sacrifice the things that I don’t like. And truthfully, very little of that has anything to do with sex and mostly to do with independence and putting myself out there.

Do I like affection? Sure. I could be a cuddle buddy--I think, I’ve never really been--but not enough to seek it out, to look for it if it disrupts or changes my life in really any way.

Do I like sex? For others? Yes, please. I think everyone should be doing what makes them feel good, with whoever it feels good with (who also gives consent for said enjoyment). I think people should be free to talk about it, and read about it, and I enjoy very much reading about it and occasionally writing it myself and I can talk filth as well as the next person.

For myself? Not even a little bit. Or I should say, I don’t enjoy penetrative sex even a little bit. I have slowly been coming around to the idea that I might in fact quite enjoy the non-penetrative sort, but again, not enough to seek it out, to put myself out there and be all vulnerable and shit. *shudders*.

**I guess that makes me grayace?

I’m still learning. I guess with enough reading and comparing and contrasting I could pinpoint myself to a very specific and easily--or easier--understood T, but I’m not there yet. I know what I am--or mostly I do--but I still am learning the terminology of it.

**Or Maybe that Makes Me Bi-Gray-Ace

I'm aesthetically attracted to both male and female identifying people and enjoy different parts of the human form to look at and imagine in situations and in shenanigans--but again, not enough to seek it out for myself. Just, like... in general...

**I am not broken.

This one took a long time for me to come around to. Being weird is something I always knew--and took great pride in--about myself. But, it took a lot of time to separate other things that are true about me from my queerness. It is 100% true that being asexual is not due to mental illness and sexual abuse. I don’t think I’m ace because I was sexually abused as a child, and yet, I had a hard time coming to terms that it was *okay* to not like sex. That the drive wasn’t taken away from me, it just is not there.

I’ll really never know how much one has to do with the other. But I no longer think it’s something that can be “cured” with enough therapy or the right partner. I honestly don’t think being ace is weird at all, but I understand that others do. And hey, before I started being comfortable about this aspect of myself, I wouldn’t even have the courage to admit that I am a survivor of childhood sexual assault, so while it’s true that sexual abuse doesn’t cause asexuality, maybe coming to terms with being asexual is helping me come to terms with this thing that defined my childhood and that I NEVER would even admit, let alone freely discuss. Maybe…

Whoa, that got deep. Sorry about that.

Comments

[musyc]

Hugs offered and cheers for the thinking/discovering process! Learning about the separation of libido/arousal from attraction/desire was a big step for me. Still a WIP, but getting even some of the pieces is huge.

[tjs_whatnot]

Thank you!

There is just so much to learn. We really are fascinating creatures, no?

❤️❤️

[minoanmiss]

cheers Here's to knowing yourself better!

[tjs_whatnot]

❤️❤️

Thanks! I've always been a navel-gazer, but this is all next level gazing. 😍😍

[sherylyn]

I'm glad you're finding out more that makes you *you*, and what makes you more comfortable with yourself, too. I know your journey hasn't been easy, and I so hate that you had to go through all that. Sending you *HUGS* and love and support, always. <3

[tjs_whatnot]

Thanks. The journey hasn't been easy, but it's been mine and it's made me who I am, so, I guess I'll keep it. 😍😍

[mierke]

Happy ace day! Learning about yourself is so important, and I'm happy for you you're at a point where you can confidently state you're not broken, that's such a huge step! ♥

[tjs_whatnot]

Thanks! It feels the biggest step. ❤️❤️

[profiterole_reads]

Happy Ace Day! There have been a lot of ace book recs on Tumblr in the last couple of days.

[tjs_whatnot]

Thanks! There have been A LOT of lists. I got a bit overwhelmed actually. A bit like I did when I signed up for the TransReadAThon. So many great things to read!

[lokifan]

If it helps, I know plenty of bi grey-ace people :) Def not broken. But I can totally understand you worried that you were, given your experiences - how awful.

Yay for self-awareness!

[tjs_whatnot]

That did help. I had to laugh when I hear the statistics of only 1% of the population identify as Ace. Either I know all of them, or the number is a lot higher than they suppose. Which I guess makes sense, because if there is any thing us Asexuals like, it's talking about our sex life. 🤣🤣

[corvidology]

Happy Ace day! ♥ *hugs if you would like them*

No one gets to tell you who you are and what you want or don't want or make any bloody suggestion about what it says about you as a person.

It always amazes me how people who believe all other parts of the spectrum exist don't believe anyone could be asexual just because they can't relate it to their own experience. To quote a line from a Grace Petrie song, I've never been to China, But I still know it's there.

[tjs_whatnot]

*hugs if you would like them*

❤️❤️Virtual hugs are my favorite kind of hugs! *squishes you tight*

No one gets to tell you who you are and what you want or don't want or make any bloody suggestion about what it says about you as a person.

Thank you! Some times I need to be reminded of that. I remember when I first started researching what it meant to be ace, before they broke it down into so many beautiful fragments, I would say, "Wait, none of that is relevant to me, only these parts and some of these parts." So, I thought 'Great. Even this I'm doing wrong!' But, know, I see that there really is a spectrum and not all of them are true to me, but all of me are there in the fragments. ❤️❤️

And yeah, it is a hard thing to wrap your head around, but I think it's just so interwoven into the fabric of who we are as a people that it seems unfathomable that it isn't all that important to some of us. But still... like you (and Grace) so eloquently say, just because it's not where you live, doesn't mean it doesn't exist. ❤️❤️

[silveradept]

The process of knowing yourself often involves funding out about these things slightly or significantly later than it would have been most useful. But here's to knowing yourself more and better, and not being broken.

[tjs_whatnot]

Thanks! It's just somewhat wistful to imagine the life I could have carved for myself if I'd come to terms with all this earlier. But still, there's still life to live and fun to be had, in my own, much more well-defined terms. Right? ❤️❤️

[silveradept]

Right. That you've come to it now just means you're not spending more time trying to get to who you are.

[tjs_whatnot]

❤️❤️